What is masking? And how do I stop?
What is Masking and Why do I Mask?
Masking is the process of adjusting your behavior (verbal and non-verbal) to meet social expectations. It can look like:
- Rehearsing what you’re going to say before a meeting
- Forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable
- Hiding confusion or overwhelm
- Monitoring how you come across in conversations
Everyone masks to some degree. Most people adjust how they communicate depending on the setting—being more formal at work or holding back certain thoughts in meetings. But for people who don’t experience these challenges in the same way, that adjustment is usually temporary and less effortful.
For neurodivergent individuals, masking is often constant. It’s not just about the interaction itself—it’s about managing the interaction while also monitoring how you’re being perceived. One client described it as “running two conversations at the same time—one out loud and one in my head trying to make sure I don’t get it right.”
Why do I mask?
Masking doesn’t develop randomly. It’s often shaped by experience, including:
- Past misunderstandings or social missteps
- Being corrected without clear explanation
- Feeling like you were “missing something” socially
- Sensory needs not being met (which can impact attention and working memory)
- Traumatic experiences, where masking becomes a survival strategy (not always related to neurodivergence)
Over time, this creates anticipatory anxiety—the sense that something might go wrong, even if you’re not sure what. That’s when masking becomes automatic. You start over-preparing, overthinking, and over-monitoring in an attempt to prevent mistakes.
For some, this can overlap with patterns of anxiety or obsessive thinking, where the goal becomes getting everything “right” to avoid discomfort or negative outcomes. One of the reasons I help clients collect their own data during coaching sessions is because it supports building new neural pathways and leverages strengths—especially for those working to shift black-and-white thinking patterns.
Why is masking so draining?
It’s not just about completing a task or having a conversation. It’s about doing that while also managing:
- How you’re perceived (non-verbal communication can differ across individuals)
- Navigating social nuance and predicting responses in ways that may not feel intuitive
- Regulating your internal stress response while struggling to communicate clearly or directly
Over time, this combination leads to burnout—not because someone isn’t capable, but because their brain is working overtime in ways that aren’t visible to others. Masking itself isn’t inherently bad. It can be useful in certain situations—like preparing for a presentation or navigating a high-stakes conversation. However, it becomes unsustainable when it is constant, unconscious, and driven by fear, uncertainty, or unmet sensory needs (e.g., forcing eye contact). This is often when people start asking, “Why does everything feel so much harder for me?”
How do I stop masking?
A more helpful question to ask is: Where is masking draining my capacity—and what would reduce that?
This is the work I do with clients. Instead of trying to “stop masking,” we look at what’s underneath it. We identify where cognitive demand is too high, what accommodations are needed, where emotional pressure is driving behavior, and how the inner voice is shaping decisions. From there, we build strategies that reduce unnecessary effort and support more authentic, sustainable communication.
If this resonates, I’m covering this in my upcoming Adult Neurodivergent Learning Lab on Masking and Authentic Communication on April 13 @7:30PM EST (virtually). We’ll break down how to identify masking, reduce burnout, and communicate more effectively without feeling like you have to overthink every interaction. If you’re interested to learn more about my process and the work I do through 1:1 coaching or behavioral traits assessments, book a free consult call.
Meet Jane
Jane Singleton, Founder & Executive Coach, Launchpad for Life, is an expert in neurodiversity and has over 13 years of experience as a learning and behavioral specialist and educational program manager. Jane helps individuals, teams, and organizations navigate neurodiversity to optimize performance through learning how to work with cognitive and emotional strengths to enhance both leadership capacity and organizational well-being. She is an International Coaching Federation (ICF) certified executive coach (PCC) and holds an M.A. Ed in Special Education and a B.S. in Psychology and Communication Studies.
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